derailed
I hesitated before answering the phone
knowing it would be you
gave myself time to taste the bitter remnants of our last night
"I need to see you." Is all you said
I could not feel my body as I slid into the car
determined to end this thing
once and for all
this tragedy reoccurring
this nightmare interrupted momentarily by intermissions of day
this love so complex
we are dieing in its maze
devouring each other in our attempt to stay alive
our only hope now
is to dismantle the whole thing
tear it down
tear it apart
light it on fire
and walk away
sometimes
there is just no smooth transition
But as I walk into the coffee shop with all of this
suddenly my body stops
it sees you and has hit the wall of remembering
"I use to know you." It says
"I use to know everything about you."
I knew those small places
where worlds collided
and created new worlds
in the places they overlapped
I knew the way sunlight dappled and played
on the landscape of your back
jumping from freckle to freckle
like children skipping across rocks
I knew the bigness of you
the rolling joy or your thighs
the thunder of your hips beneath me
the crushing wave of your body in ecstasy
orgasm always hit you by surprise
it was as if you couldn't believe it was actually happening to you
and your body filled the entire room with its glorious wonder
and I use to know your smile
like something desperate and beautiful
your face would explode into joy
an avalanche
water bursting through a dam
never subtly like a sunrise
but something that broke open
sudden and unexpected
fireworks
your face lit up my night skies
when I knew you
And I use to know just how to pull your head back
just where to place my teeth
how much pressure your nipples could take
and the exact location of that place inside
three fingers at just the right angle
just the right movement
and you were gone
I enter the coffee shop and my body yells out "Hi"
and you turn and look at me as if you heard
and now I am walking towards you
I sit down across from you
I am talking
I am speaking
my mouth is moving
and words are coming out
but I have no idea what I am saying
I can not hear myself
I can't hear anything
the soundtrack of the world has been erased and replaced
with the sound of furious locomotives
racing towards each other
I am remembering the first time we made love
two trains
heading for destinations opposite and unknown
we should have flown smoothly past
but our tracks somehow got crossed
we crashed into each other
hard steel crinkling and buckling
glass shattering
contents spilling
head on
slow motion forces to be reckoned with
metal on metal
breaks squealing
ineffective to stop this tragedy
everything destroyed in its glorious wake
I think we backed up and did it again
and I am talking
and staring at the terrible curve of your breasts
and the tragic slope from your shoulder blade up to your jaw line
the treacherous landscape from cheek to temple
and then I am there
utterly lost in the impossible beauty of your eyes
you haven't even touched me yet
and I am gone
but then you do touch me
you reach across the table and pull me towards you
put your mouth on mine
and our tongue are dancing
our teeth keeping rhythm like only anatomy can
and that is when it happened
when the world melted away
all the people in the coffee shop just dissolved
fell over like some out of control Dali painting
fell into themselves
the tables and chairs and counters
folded into squares
instant origami
and then imploded into nothing
the walls of the structure
simply tore apart and went spinning off into space
suddenly there was only us
and the abyss of eternity
if you were to drag me up on that table between us
part my thighs lift up my skirt enter me
I would not stop you
I knew I would have you that night
we would fuck like freight trains again
knowing moments after the magic
we would fight
knowing I would leave
half-naked
in the middle of the night
cursing you as I run barefoot to my car
swearing out loud as I navigate through my tears
SWEARING I would never EVER do this again
but right now I don't care
all I want is what was once between us
but suddenly you stop
you push me away
you push back your chair
and you are walking away
and it looks like you are..
are you
are you really
yes
you are
you are laughing
LAUGHING
not quite out loud
but it is undeniable
by the way you are grinning and your body is quivering
you are leaving and you are laughing
and finally I get it
this was your plan all along
your last hurrah
your final exit
to leave me wanting
and you fully in control
to have the last laugh
and I know I should be angry
I should be hurt
or embarrassed
or something
but in some strange way it all seems so perfect
and I feel rising within me little bubbles of delight
I am delighted with you
your charm
your allure
your little devilish ways
of course this is the way you would leave me
and I love you for it
and the little bubbles rise and start to burst into giggles in the back of my throat
and the giggles turn to laughter
subtle at first
but it grows like a wild fire
and suddenly bursts into an unstoppable guffaw
and I am laughing howling
right out loud
and all those people who had disintegrated are back
and staring at me
wondering
"What's the joke?"
Not knowing
they are looking right at her