Derailed

derailed

 

I hesitated before answering the phone

knowing it would be you

gave myself time to taste the bitter remnants of our   last   night

"I need to see you."  Is all you said

 

I could not feel my body as I slid into the car

determined to end this thing

once and for all

this tragedy reoccurring

this nightmare interrupted momentarily by intermissions of day

this love so complex

we are dieing in its maze

devouring each other in our attempt to stay alive

our only hope now

is to dismantle the whole thing

tear it down

tear it apart

light it on fire

and walk away

sometimes

there is just no   smooth   transition

 

But as I walk into the coffee shop with all of this

suddenly my body stops

it sees you and has hit the wall of remembering

"I use to know you."  It says

"I use to know everything about you."

I knew those small places

where worlds collided

and created new worlds

in the places they overlapped

I knew the way sunlight dappled and played

on the landscape of your back

jumping from freckle to freckle

like children skipping across rocks

I knew the bigness of you

the rolling joy or your thighs

the thunder of your hips beneath me

the crushing wave of your body in ecstasy

 

orgasm always hit you by surprise

it was as if you couldn't believe it was actually happening to you

and your body filled the entire room with its glorious wonder

 

and I use to know your smile

like something desperate and beautiful

your face would explode into joy

an avalanche

water bursting through a dam

never subtly like a sunrise

but something that broke open

sudden and unexpected

fireworks

your face lit up my night skies

when I knew you

 

And I use to know just how to pull your head back

just where to place my teeth

how much pressure your nipples could take

and the exact location of that place inside

three fingers at just the right angle

just the right movement

and you were gone

 

I enter the coffee shop and my body yells out "Hi"

and you turn and look at me as if you heard

 

and now I am walking towards you

I sit down across from you

I am talking

I am speaking

my mouth is moving

and words are coming out

but I have no idea what I am saying

I can not hear myself

I can't hear anything

the soundtrack of the world has been erased and replaced

with the sound of furious locomotives

racing towards each other

I am remembering the first time we made love

 

two trains

heading for destinations opposite and unknown

we should have flown smoothly past

but our tracks somehow got crossed

we crashed into each other

hard steel crinkling and buckling

glass shattering

contents spilling

head on

slow motion forces to be reckoned with

metal on metal

breaks squealing

ineffective to stop this tragedy

everything destroyed in its glorious wake

 

I think we backed up and did it again

 

and I am talking

and staring at the terrible curve of your breasts

and the tragic slope from your shoulder blade up to your jaw line

the treacherous landscape from cheek to temple

and then I am there

utterly lost in the impossible beauty of your eyes

you haven't even touched me yet

and I am gone

 

but then you do touch me

you reach across the table and pull me towards you

put your mouth on mine

and our tongue are dancing

our teeth keeping rhythm like only anatomy can

and that is when it happened

 

when the world melted away

all the people in the coffee shop just dissolved

fell over like some out of control Dali painting

fell into themselves

the tables and chairs and counters

folded into squares

instant origami

and then imploded into nothing

the walls of the structure

simply tore apart and went spinning off into space

suddenly there was only us

and the abyss of eternity

 

if you were to drag me up on that table between us

part my thighs     lift up my skirt    enter me

I would not stop you

 

I knew I would have you that night

we would fuck like freight trains again

knowing moments after the magic

we would fight

knowing I would leave

half-naked

in the middle of the night

cursing you as I run barefoot to my car

swearing out loud as I navigate through my tears

SWEARING I would never EVER do this again

 

but right now I don't care

all I want is what was once between us

 

but suddenly you stop

you push me away

you push back your chair

and you are walking away

and it looks like you are..

are you

are you really

yes

you are

you are laughing

LAUGHING

not quite out loud

but it is undeniable

by the way you are grinning and your body is quivering

you are leaving and you are laughing

 

and finally I get it

this was your plan all along

your last hurrah

your final exit

to leave me wanting

and you fully in control

 

to have the last laugh

 

and I know I should be angry

I should be hurt

or embarrassed

or something

but in some strange way it all seems so perfect

and I feel rising within me little bubbles of delight

I am delighted with you

your charm

your allure

your little devilish ways

of course this is the way you would leave me

and I love you for it

 

and the little bubbles rise and start to burst into giggles in the back of my throat

and the giggles turn to laughter

subtle at first

but it grows like a wild fire

and suddenly bursts into an unstoppable guffaw

and I am laughing    howling

right out loud

and all those people who had disintegrated are back

and staring at me

wondering

"What's the joke?"

Not knowing

they are looking right at her