I am writing like you asked since I cannot sleep like I should. I will attempt to reiterate some of the thoughts in me last night, this morning... so how does a rocket scientist know so much about love? Is there a secret equation you discovered somewhere, stumbled upon, like the chemist developing petroleum products who somehow discovered saccharine? While testing those explosives did you find a brilliant bi-product? are you now sitting clandestine on the formula for igniting the human heart? am I your version of a lab rat if so you may declare the results a success. I am on fire. Burning for you, of you, from you. Remembering your hand like the angle of death coming for me. Did you know you were killing me succinctly, sweetly, tearing me apart so imperceptibly, so exquisitely, gently and miraculously, parting me, my Moses, you split me open, pulled me apart crawled inside you put me on and I, we, fit perfectly. And Cleo called to say “I just wanted to tell you that I think sometimes we fall in love with how much someone loves us and sometimes we just fall in love. It was really beautiful seeing you and Erin together last night she seems really incredible.” And my “girlfriend” is still coming tomorrow. I always had a hard time calling her that and now it seems even more ridiculous – to us both – “I don’t know what we are anymore” she said to me, more like a question than a statement but I had no response. She says she will sleep on the floor, curl up in some remote corner somewhere, so we can be together because she knows this is what I want. She breaks my heart. Everything is falling apart actually it has already fallen, it fell the first time you kissed me or I kissed you, in your car, too much wine in me, it was all undone, in your mouth on my mouth, I knew I could not lie to you, I had been lying. God but its impossible to even think of, to try and put the pieces together and construct some bizarre, ill fitting mosaic like all those promises we really mean at the time. And Judith Grahn is so right “We always leave too soon to get the real loving done”. It doesn’t matter if it is just three days or three years or three lifetimes. Time is inconsequential. Like this crazy time for me, some would say it’s only a year but I know me too well and though you would never ask, I do not wait and I rarely return and I don’t hold back or resist or restrain. Besides I drink too much coffee and I eat meat and I’ll always make you get out of bed first and I’ll spend all day in bed reading books and eating cookies while you plod off to work to pay the bills and then I’ll resent you for not following your dreams. And I’ll keep you up late and wake you up early. And I’ll cry for no reason at all. I’ll buy vegetables one day and forget and buy them again the next and then I’ll be too lazy to cook and insist we go out while all those vegetables just rot away in your refrigerator. And I’ll sit all day with a pen in my hand insisting I’m working. I’ll run around from organizational meeting to organizational meeting to rehearsal to work out to lessons and home inspired yet ashamed of the money I am not making. And I will resent you when you say it doesn’t matter and I will make you wrong for not following your dreams. And I will laugh for no reason at all. And I will take your car and drive for two days before I decide to call you and tell you where I am and I’m sorry and I’m coming home. And I will dream of children. And I will watch you in the mornings when I wake before you, committing to memory the peaceful beauty of your face, the sloping grace of your neck, the serene curve of your shoulder. I will rub your feet after a long day, I will run my nails down the inside of your wrists, I will hold you down and kiss you like a staving animal devouring prey. I will feed you exotic fruits in bed and read you books while we eat cookies. I will write on your body. I will dream of dreaming of you. AND my girl friend arrives tomorrow and in three days I pack my things and distance comes between us. Still I will dream of dreaming you. Let’s just pretend it all ends badly. It will just be easier that way. Or at least I can tell myself that but I know I will always wonder.
