The Necessity of Breathing
I am a fool
our time together too brief but too beautiful
filled me with hope
and an insatiable longing
I imagined you felt it too
I imagined patience and perseverance could overcome distance
I imagined you could grow to love me
I am a fool
none the less
we have formed an uncommon bond
tender and probing
reminding each other in these times of trepidation
how necessary it is
to just keep breathing
we call this a sweet sweet friendship
and leave it at that
Still there are times I can't help imagining
stripping you down
tying your delicate white wrists to the head board
blindfolding your scorching blue eyes
getting as close to you as humanly possible
without actually touching
and reading the poetry of Eric Jong into your left ear
I would whisper breathy and deliberate
pushing the words into you
filling you with poetry
I would watch as your cold goose-bumped body
warmed
expanded
and began to burn with
wanting more
than just beautiful words
I imagine parting your legs
and writing words of adoration
up your inner thighs
taking in the scent of you
and swooning as you open
wider and wider
to let me in
I imagine teaching you the fine art
of taking a bath
soaking you in salts and scents
surrounding you with candle light and sweet music
washing gently
the bottoms of your feet
the backs of your knees
the insides of your wrists
your spine
your side
the back of your neck
your beautiful ruined belly
I imagine you leaning back into me
while sitting on your bed
a book resting open upon your knees
so I can gently kiss the back of your freshly washed neck
and lightly caress your breasts
listening to your voice quiver ever so slightly
as you read to me
Winterson
or perhaps some Rumi
I imagine spending time with your son
laughing together
preparing your favorite meal
savoring the exquisite look of surprise
as we present you with our gift
I imagine watching you with him
from across the room
a lucky voyeur
a fortunate visitor
a satisfied sightseer
gazing the delicate beauty of you
wishing I never had to look away
later I would roll up my sleeves
sneak up behind you at the sink
plunging my arms into the dishwater with yours
our four hands working together
as our bodies sway to the music in the background
I image sitting
staring into your eyes
your soul opening before me
astounded
there is nothing we need to say
and of course
of course
I imagine making love to you
so slow and sweet
that the ocean within you rises and falls
with an aching invisibility
dredging up tender
the precious antiquities
buried beneath your skin
beneath your bones
beneath your breath
beneath your blood
an exquisite maelstrom of hidden treasure
you forgot you buried
some from a past you did not even know you had
others from a future you have not yet lived
all beautiful, timeless
precious
pearls, diamonds, alexandrite
crystals that conduct heat and light
metals that conduct electricity
materials we have not yet discovered
that conduct passion, compassion
and a rare ability to love
even when we don't want to
pain and sorrow and beauty
begin to rise within you
joy and laughter and despair
peace and a deep sense of satisfaction
rage and wisdom and whatever that is
that makes you want to cry
for no reason at all
emotions we have not yet found names for
feelings most have forgotten how to feel
sentiments you didn't know you were capable of
I imagine myself a conductor
as sounds you didn't know you could make arise from with in
an alchemist
as alluring and unfamiliar scents burst from your skin
a mad scientist
as lightening rises from your body
a god
as all that is turning with in you
begins to destroy you
rip you open
tear you apart
and spill over into our bed
and this
THIS
is the moment that I imagine the most
when I take you into my arms
and create a space so safe
and so sweet
that you know I will hold all of you together
as you simply fall apart
you let big inexplicable tears fall from your eyes
you let your body shake and heave with releasing
you let go of all of those fierce mechanisms of control
and melt into nothingness
and just for a moment
you forget who you have been
and remember who you are
you cry for all that you have sacrificed
all that you have given up
given over
given into
let go of
held on to...
and when your crying is done
we look at all the beautiful things
that were hiding underneath
But
none of this will ever happen
because I am a fool
our time together too brief but too beautiful
filled me with hope
and an insatiable longing
I imagined you felt it too
I imagined patience and perseverance could overcome distance
I imagined you could grow to love me
but I was not the one for whom you longed
still there are times
when I can't help imagining
showing up on your doorstep
unexpected and unannounced
a single red rose in my hand
and half way through my lame excuse for being there
you grab me, push me up against the side of your house
and kiss me so hard and so deep
that I utterly forget
the necessity of breathing
